Yesterday, I cleaned up my flat and sat around for a while, a sudden calm after a hectic week.Very hectic. Once I realized that the train wasn’t going to catch me, I trudged down to the station to catch it. Never before did it seem to linger so long until parting. Nearly at home, it dawned on me that I would have to figure out what to do next. Everything seems to have become complicated. Letting myself fall back into obliviousness seems just as despicable as the prospect of salvation seems out of sight. Eventually, however, a path will have to be chosen for hopes to be made. Though this path now seems dark, the idea of some impending happyness is what drives me onwards. Some impending arrangement, one with which I can live. Given what I have already seen and experienced, my heart fears that compromises will have to be made.

Or am I being too harsh with my assessment? Too quick with my judgement?

Occasionally, I debate wether a surrender of what I consider virtue would in itself breed better virtue or not. Perhaps, but I also feel that exactly what distinguishes us is that we have not yet surrendered our motivation to the least common denominator. And exactly in this lies a hope for the best possible case that could happen. Radiant it would be, to find out that actually, we had been in full accord all along. It had only been the others getting in the way. Suddenly saved, we would be.

The Golden Wish

The silver glow

that precedes

our death

I call it life

and feel it caress

these lonely days.

One silver glance

sent through the air

I drop my eyes

and call it a stare

her will so opaque.

The silver shadows

of passing clouds

I sense them sometimes

while watching the crowds

from distant place.

A sliver of hope

would see me revel

Bathed here in silver

I drowning rebel! for

No silver moments are ever enough

No silver moon can fill this deep rut

No silver days can ever be bright

I long for the golden

I long for the light.

– August 2004